Ending a relationship with someone whether as the breaker or the breakee evokes streams of emotion. As the breakee, evokes even much more streams of emotion. In short, very few life events can cause as much catalysm and pain as ending a relationship as the breakee. This catalysm and pain can last for weeks, months or even years.
When two souls bond, they metamorphose into a single unit. Thereby, causing a tremendous physical and psychological effect on both parties especially the breakee when they break up. It is even more intense when both parties love each other.
Breakup breaks everybody even the so called “strong men and women”. In short it’s effect is harder on them. Puting a tough front doesn’t stop the pain. It prolongs the pain rather.
I can’t possibly write a guide that covers every aspects of break up but of course I’ll give you the most important points to get you on the course of healing and normalcy. Before I give you the points, please allow me tell you “sweetie, it’s going to be okay”.
1. Roll with and Feel the Feelings
Like I said earlier, being a strong man or woman doesn’t stop the pain of a break up. It aggravates it instead. So acknowledge the pain and allow yourself to feel it. It won’t be fun, and you may not feel like yourself, but just do it. Try to characterize what it is you’re feeling beyond, “I feel really shitty because I just got dumped”. Do you feel Betrayed? Lonely? Remorseful? Guilty? Abandoned? Angry? Feel the feelings. Cry if you feel like crying. Don’t suppress it. Feeling the feelings washes the feelings away. It’s a very important relief therapy.
2. Avoid Unhealthy Distractions
Unhealthy distractions are those activities (mostly with bad implications) one endulges in to relieve the pain of a break up temporarily. Chief of these activities are alcoholism, drugs, workaholism, and serial dating. These activities stop the pain only for a short time after which the pain floods back like an avalanche. In fact these activities prolong the pain.
3. Get a Therapist
A therapist in this case, is a person who gives befitting counsel on how to get out of a break up strong and happy. Humans are social beings and as such find repose in interaction with one another. Voicing your pain is a therapy in itself. It relieves pain. Therefore, an appointment with a good therapist such as school counselors, pastors, meditation teachers will be a tremendous help.
4. Don’t Try to Win Your Ex Back
Once you’ve accepted the break up, don’t try to win your ex back. It only opens up old wound and hinders you from moving on. Life is not a movie which portrays a romantic come-back gesture after a break up. Trying to win an ex back after a break up may be perceived as desperation which is very bad. Try as much as possible that you let go of your ex with goodwill. Pray for him or her, wish him or her well and move on.
5. Social Media Ban
Once you’ve accepted that the break up is truly happening, your first task is to get out of your ex’s social media circle. Unfollow or mute everything so you don’t get ambushed by anything he or she posts. It’s okay if you find it hard. Just take it slowly. Don’t beat yourself up.
6. Don’t Try to or Agree to Become a Mere Friend
Many at times, breakees find it very hard to accept a break up so that they negotiate with the breaker just to become a mere friend since the breaker is bent on a break up. The breakee seeks friendship with the hope of winning his or her ex back. That is, he or she is still unresolved but hiding behind the mask of mere friendship.
This is a very dangerous thing to do because you will be very hurt inside seeing your ex moving on well with someone else. Moving out of your ex’s circle especially if you are still unresolved, is almost not possible but believe me you it is worth trying for your own emotional health and happiness. Always remember this ” you can do it”.
As for the breaker who has made up his or her mind for a break up, please don’t agree to be in the same circle with your unresolved ex. You could be in good terms but not in the same circle. You’ll be doing him or her good if you refused to let him or her into your circle. You could still be cool with each other at arm’s length. Please do this in love and not otherwise. As doing it otherwise may worsen your ex’s pain.
7. Recalibrate And Embrace The Transition
Break ups like any other disruption, releases a lot of energy. This energy, doesn’t necessarily have to be all negative. Break ups contain an opportunity to jump forward in your personal growth in a way that you might not have access to during normal life. After you’ve gotten through the initial shock phase, think about what you’ve been wanting to do but previously didn’t focus on. Maybe you want to write a book, or start a guitar class, or lose 15 lbs, or take a step toward moving your career, family, hobbies, and personal life forward. Please don’t let the gargantuan energy of a break up waste. Use it.
8. Carry Out a Survey
Carry out an autopsy at the end of your relationship when you’re ready. Take an honest look at what worked and what definitely did not work. Whether your ex was truly a monster, or you were truly a terrible listener, it’s all highly valuable data for preventing the same thing in the future. Your future self and future partner(s) will thank you.
9. Have Fun and Reconnect with Your Tribe
Consciously go enjoy doing something you wouldn’t have done as part of a couple. Hit the gym, go see movies, play video games, surprise your parents with a visit and listen to nice music. Stay out late and realize you don’t have to call home. Reconnect with your best pals (who have been with you through thick and thin) whom your relationship disconnected you from. Take a road trip with them, see some sites, go for a hike, eat some good food and crash at their place. Make some new exciting memories.
Taking some time to be alone with yourself can help you get back in touch with the “you” that was there before the relationship started, and remind you that the same person is still there now that it’s over.
10. You Can Do This
Like I said earlier, relationship is about two individuals becoming a unit. And parting ways or breaking the unit after a long or short time together can be a major life transition which takes some time for both parties especially the breakee to recalibrate.
You’re hurting right now? don’t forget the fact that you’re still you. The truth is, you will get through it and you will come out stronger on the other side. It will be difficult at times though, but there are ways (such as aforementioned) to enable yourself to not just cope, but actually thrive under these new life circumstances.