By Adaora Onyechere
(GENDER AGENDA)
Why is self-love important?” you might ask.
For many of us, self-love might sound like a luxury rather than a necessity or a new-age fad for those with too much time on their hands.
Ironically, self-love and -compassion might actually be needed most by those of us who work too hard and who are constantly striving to surpass ourselves and grasp the shape-shifting phantasm of perfection.
Most of the time, when we’re being too hard on ourselves, we do it because we’re driven by a desire to excel and do everything right, all the time. This entails a lot of self-criticism, and that persecutory inner voice that constantly tells us how we could’ve done things better is a hallmark of perfectionism.
Studies have shown that perfectionists are at a higher risk of several illnesses, both physical and mental, and that self-love might set us free from its grip. Therefore, perfectionism and self-love are inextricably linked.
The words slip in without us even knowing, words like – “I’m not good enough.”
You focus on becoming instead of being.
You begin to value others based on the same perfect standard, hiding from yourself in doubt.
How you view yourself is how you view the world. If you are not good enough then neither will anyone or anything else be.
Self-love is compassion and the unconditional acceptance for yourself. It’s taking care of and meeting your own needs and allowing non-judgemental thinking. Its viewing yourself as essentially worthy, good, valuable, and deserving of happiness.
Truthfully for me the largest barrier to a lasting and loving relationship with another person are the unloved parts of ourselves. If you don’t love yourself, you’ll always be looking for someone else to do it for you even when they re less deserving of you.
Just so you know Self-love goes beyond brushing and flossing your teeth, working out at the gym, and saying a dozen affirmations a day.
We run around desperately looking for someone else to love us. Maybe they will give us the love we need, fill in the empty spaces where our unlovable selves exist.
Unable to love the parts of ourselves that we consider “unlovable” we spend the rest of our lives seeking out validation and approval.
“Most of us have spent our lives seeking validation and approval from others. But the truth is, if we cannot accept ourselves, we cannot expect others to accept us and without self-acceptance, we will live in fear of being rejected.”
if we are lucky enough to confront what we consider is our unloveable self, we discover its fear.
Usually it’s a particular fear such as fear of abandonment.
“Fear is excitement without the breathe” -Fredrick Solomon Perls-
This particular definition was at the core of a relationship once upon a time before I became aware that a fear of abandonment was the driving force of my behavior. When you are afraid of being left alone, you’ll either cling to people dragging them down with you, or keep them distant to avoid the pain if they leave.
You can fear being smothered, worried that your individuality and freedom will be lost because of too much togetherness. You deny your need for intimacy and make room for partners who are themselves unavailable. Unable to love yourself and open your heart, you sabotage relationships when they get too close.
In the words of Kristin Neff — a professor of human development at the University of Texas at Austin — “Love, connection, and acceptance are your birthright.”
In other words, happiness is something that you’re entitled to, not something that you need to earn. Even the United Nations adopted a resolution recognizing that the “pursuit of happiness is a fundamental human goal.”
Everything in the world starts with one’s own self and hence,the power of self should never be ignored.
Self-respect and self-love are the two most vital factors of being.
“The way one treats himself or herself decides how other people treat them”. So, learn to respect and love yourself unconditionally.
We all look out for love in different people and places, but that’s what keeps us hollow from the inside because love starts from within and the moment we learn to be at peace with ourselves, there remains no room for self-doubt, self-pity and insecurities.
Accepting oneself the way one is, is a crucial step towards self-love. It’s imperative to work on oneself daily because none of us are made perfect. Fitting into the perceived notions set-up by society, can only bring happiness that lasts for a few moments because no matter how hard one tries, there will always be something about us that is not considered perfect by the world.
The harder one tries, the deeper one falls into that loophole.
Imperfections make us unique, and not the perceived perfect outlook that is superficially interpreted by another person’s preconceived idea of the ideal you ought to be.
It’s important to know that you are your most important friend. So, love yourself and the happiness it will give you, will be pure, real and not short-lived and this is what guarantees peace of mind and eternal happiness. when you love yourself, you become the whole and not the fraction in the definition of others.
Love is the most powerful force in the world.
Spreading and giving love goes a long way in building relationships, and bringing happiness in one’s own life, but the most powerful kind of love is self-love and that’s the kind of love that moves mountains, the type that shapes you to become the best form of your self.
