Marriages have fail because of so different reasons depending on individual circumstances. But it remains that reasons for marriage failure tend to be similar. Well, from failed marriages married couples can sure learn lessons that would help their marriages.
Here are important lessons to learn from failed marriages:
1. Phones Can be a Killer
One thing that divorce will teach you is the importance of putting your phone away. Did you know that in a survey on phone use, 1 in 10 couples admitted to checking their smart device during sex? A further 85 percent of surveyed smartphone users say they use their device while speaking to friends and family.
Research shows that multitaskers (such as those who used their phones while watching television or trying to have a personal conversation) are less empathetic. MRI scans of their brains reveal less brain density in the anterior cingulate cortex, which controls cognitive and emotional control, as well as empathy.
People who snub their partner to play on their phone (referred to as “phubbing” or “phone snubbing”) are at risk of divorce. Phubbing as a term was coined as a part of campaign by Macquarie Dictionary, where phubbing is described as a habit of choosing to give more attention to mobile phone as opposed to the spouse or a friend.
Studies show that phubbing directly contributes to a decline in marital satisfaction and an increase in depression. This behavior of snubbing someone over their mobile phone is the root cause of several relationship problems. The phubber makes the phubbee (victim of phubbing) feel ignored, disrespected and experience a stinging sense of relationship dissatisfaction and even hatred.
2. Gratitude Is Necessary
Studies reveal that partners who express gratitude for one another have greater relationship satisfaction.
They also enjoy better communication, commitment, relationship investment, intimacy, support, and self-expansion. Gratitude in relationships promotes relationship satisfaction by prompting the partner who receives gratitude from one partner to replicate the gesture of generosity by signalling gratitude to their partner, who initiated this expression of gratitude.
Expressing gratitude also prompts a sense of responsiveness and reciprocal behavior, where both partners respond to each other’s needs, willingly.
3. Communication Is Really Important
When soliciting marriage advice, we often hear that communication is the foundation of a great relationship and this is true.
Your level of communication determines how well you and your spouse will be able to resolve arguments, how deep your marital friendship is, and how vulnerable you are willing to be with one another. Studies also prove that great communication leads to great sex and increased orgasm frequency in women.
In your next relationship, find someone who isn’t afraid to give you their undivided attention, listens to you without interrupting, looks for ways to solve problems as a team, and loves to talk to you about their day.
4. Your Happiness Matters
Focusing on your happiness or self-compassion is not shallow or selfish.
Of course, when you love someone, you want to spoil them emotionally and physically. You want to lavish them with attention, affection, and respect. These things come naturally. But until this happens, you must look out for your own interests.
Find someone who gets you, who respects you, and who makes you feel special. Find someone who makes you laugh. Studies show that couples who laugh together are more likely to stay together. They also feel more supported and satisfied in their relationship.
However, it is important to note that you do not force laughter, and create more chances for spontaneous and shared laughter. Letting loose, revisiting places where you share laughter, playing fun couple games and creating inside jokes are few of the things to help you both break into spontaneous laughter and improve your relationship.
5. Know Your Deal Breakers
If you have experienced a failed marriage, odds are you know the exact qualities that you don’t want out of a future partner.
It is good to know what your deal breakers are. Instead of going into a relationship thinking you can change the habits that you don’t like, find someone who shares your passions.
For example, are you a spiritual person who wishes to be with someone who shares their beliefs? If so, don’t settle. Studies show that couples who share spirituality are more likely to view their relationship as special and treat their partners better than couples who do not share a religious (or “higher power”) viewpoint.
6. You Can’t Change Someone
Big problems arise when partners believe that once they are married, their partner will change their bad habits.
Wrong! One of the biggest pieces of marriage advice is this: Bottom line, you can’t force your partner to change. Only they can do that.
If you are in a new relationship with someone, make sure you love their positive qualities and are perfectly able to tolerate the ones that aren’t so great. Because odds are, they aren’t changing anytime soon!
7. Maintain Your Friendships
One of the biggest lessons you can learn from a breakup is the importance of maintaining your friendships.
When we get into a serious relationship, there is a tendency to push our friends and family to the side. We’re in love, after all. Naturally, we want to spend all of our time with our sweetheart. But consider this piece of marriage advice – if your relationship does not work out, who will be there to support you?
Studies show that the support you receive from friends and family after a divorce, breakup, or other trauma can actually lower psychological distress. If you have not built and maintained strong relationships with your loved ones, you will feel very alone after a breakup.
8. Sex is Essential for a Happy Relationship
One telltale sign that your relationship was doomed was if sex was missing from your failed marriage. It may sound shallow to say that if you’re not having sex, you’re not having a great marriage. But consider these facts:
Sexual satisfaction is one of the highest predictors in emotional intimacy between couples. Men also report feeling happier in their marriages when their wives are sexually satisfied. This emotional intimacy contributes to marital happiness and the overall friendship, security, and vulnerability you feel with your partner.
The oxytocin released during acts of physical intimacy is essential for a lasting marriage. The oxytocin hormone is responsible for reducing stress, promoting bonding between partners, raising trust, and can reduce anxiety and act as a natural antidepressant for women.
Final Thoughts
By following this marriage advice, you can learn the telltale signs that your marriage is failing so you can try to save it earlier. You can even prevent your next relationship from falling apart again by learning the cause of a failed marriage.
A failed marriage doesn’t mean that love isn’t in the cards for you, but it’s important to learn from the mistakes of the past relationships.
